So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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