Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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