I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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