I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
