We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
