Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
