In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize