I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize