It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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