The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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