Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
