hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i love accidental penises.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
