It's Friday. Sex?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This toilet bowl is my home.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize