i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
