Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
