I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
