Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
