He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My ATM looks so different sober.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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