Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And then my night got REAL pukey
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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