dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
