So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
