dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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