I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
