Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
