I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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