That's intense
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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