Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
