she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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