I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
