my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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