pop tarts are not kleenex
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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