wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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