i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
