if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
