before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
