Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have aggressive nipples.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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