He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
did i just pee glitter
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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