seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
