just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
