She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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