i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
