remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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