Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
