I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
