my mouth tastes like poor choices
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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