U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
