I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
