I didn't shave. On purpose
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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