Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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