I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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