Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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