My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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