Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
