i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
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