guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
