He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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