Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
