I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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