i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
