I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
